Need a laugh? Post your jokes!

[BlueCelisWhite1]

one day a hippy gets on a bus full of nuns. he looks around and see's
one that is looking particularily good. after he popped a stiffy he went up
to the nun and said I want to fu** you.

No replied the nun I am a woman of the lord i will never sleep with you

The hippy was really depressed, but on his way off the bus the bus
driver told him that the nun goes to the church to pray everynight at
midnight. all he had to do was get a god mask and tell her to screw him.

at exactly midnight the hippy spotted the nun go into the church, he
put on his mask and said I am god fu** me.

the nun then replied only in the ass though. the hippy agreed and they
got it on for hours.

when they were done the hippy took off his mask and shouted "ha, ha"
I'm the hippy
the nun then took off her mask and said "ha ha" I'm the bus driver.

[cured]

Chick shows up at a hotel bar. Orders Miller Lite. Bar keep says "we got Coors lite or Bud lite". Chick orders Bud lite, and proceeds to drink to the point of passing out. Bar keep carrys her to her room and decieds to take full advantage of the sitution.

Next night chick shows back up. Orders Miller Light bar keep says they STILL don't have Miller Light and draws her a Bud lite. Replay of the night before. Except this time as the bar keep was leaving a bell hop is walking past, so the bar keep says "hey man I got a hottie in there passed out drunk and ready. I'll let you have at her for 50$'s. Bell hop goes in and has his way.

Next night chick shows back up at the bar and orders a Miller Lite.
Bar keep says "we STILL don't have any Miller Lite how about another Bud Lite?"

Chick says "No, you better give me a Coors lite that damn Budweiser makes my pussy hurt".

[cured]

Two girls walking down the street, when one girl nudges the other and says
"Isn't that your boyfriend comming out the flower shop with 2 dozen roses?"

Other girl says "YES, DAMN IT!" " Now I'll have to keep my legs in the air for 3 days"

First girl asks "why don't you just buy a vase?"

[BlueCelisWhite1]

lol

[cured]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and
I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to
get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me .
it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two,
wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me,
and I always got more than a pleasant view.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,
and if you want one last wild fling,
just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment,
then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family
was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test...
we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is:
























Always keep your condoms in your car...

[cured]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.



The rest of the world is in shock.



Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (all except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

[cured]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one
morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven . . .which part of your body goes first?
"Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands.

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands
together, in front of you, and God just takes your hands first."


"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said


Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's
your legs.

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?

"Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's
bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted

[BlueCelisWhite1]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[cured]

An old farmer went to see a movie. The ticket agent asked "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

The ald farmer said, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CLUCKY.

Wherever I go Clucky goes."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

The farmer went arooung the corner, and stuffed the bird down his overalls .
He then returned bought a ticket and went in.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

The movie started and Clucky started to squirm, so the farmer unziped his fly so the bird could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"What, said Mildred .

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"What makes you think so"? Asked Marge.

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING
OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"Well, worry about it," said Marge. "HELL AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."

"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY
POPCORN"!!!!!!!!